Here's What Happened When I Made the Decision to Examine My Own Heart
Digging Into Vulnerability and Matters of My Own Heart
By: Jada Berteaux
"A closed heart cannot receive and welcome love just as a closed door cannot receive and welcome friends." - Jada Berteaux
Yesterday, I woke up with a very strange thought on my mind, "I don't really want to lose anybody." Honestly, I was almost panicked. When I stopped and just examined that thought and felt the accompanying emotions, I realized what it meant. My heart has been closed to real, deep and fulfilling love, and true vulnerability in relationship with someone, out of the anxiety of loss. That may not be a new self-discovery for some but for me it was a deep examination of my current reality and a testament to the work I have been doing to embrace and expand my own vulnerability capacity.
In our society, we spend so much time talking about the fear of rejection that sometimes the fear of loss and our inability to imagine dealing with loss has gotten missed in our discourse.
Accepting the possibility of loss when we live full-heartedly and vulnerably is not a prediction of failed love or other interpersonal relationships. It is an examination of our own heart intentions and a willingness to flow into relationship with no guarantees and no expectations that someone else will bear the full responsibility of our happiness.
Learning to accept loss as a part of life and believing that we can make it through loss and come out whole on the other side might be a key to helping us open our hearts and welcome love.
In the examination of my own heart, I can now see that this is an area I need to pay special attention to. I am aware of this heart matter now and I choose to do what is necessary to make sure that this condition is healed. When we closed our hearts because of self-protection and maybe even survival, perhaps we didn't realize that the same heart that we closed to loss and hurt is the same heart that we closed to love. It is the same heart.
"With this heart that is closed to loss, I venture out into the world decrying how much I want to attract and welcome love into my life. I cannot bisect my heart and so I show up half-heartedly. The same heart that is afraid of, and closed to, loss is the same heart that cannot welcome or give wholehearted love. The heart is the heart." Jada Berteaux
A dictionary search of the word half-hearted describes this state as lacking energy and enthusiasm. In my mind, and in the context of vulnerability and love, I desire to expand that definition. My definition of half-hearted is lacking the capacity to bring one's full expression of love, vulnerability, forgiveness, or talent to the relationship or goal. We may really want to express ourselves whole-heartedly and swing open wide our front door to welcome friends and love, but the fear of loss prevents us from going all in for something we say that we truly want. So what perhaps appears as disinterest or lack of enthusiasm and energy might just be that fearful, half-hearted and protective effort.
Giving and receiving whole-heartedly requires us to face our fear of loss and expand our willingness to accept its possibility. This also means creating fullness as an independent soul so that the loss of something or someone does not mean the loss of self-contentment or unwavering belief in self.
What might we attract into our lives when our hearts are closed because of fear of loss?
We are attracting people into our lives all of the time, but are we attracting others who are also closed off and fearful of loss making them unable to welcome real love, too? I think in many cases, the answer may be a resounding yes. You will have to examine your interpersonal relationships for yourself to answer this question. But if you are dissatisfied with the quality of relationships you are attracting into your life, perhaps it is a matter of your heart.
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